


Four Exits Back

by monaboyd_archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, gen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-01
Updated: 2004-06-01
Packaged: 2018-08-07 15:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7720678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monaboyd_archivist/pseuds/monaboyd_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you piss  Billy off, you'll end up on the side of the road.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Exits Back

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Shirasade: this story was originally archived at the [Monaboyd.net Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Monaboyd.net), which was closed in September 2014 due to software issues and a lack of new submissions for several years. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in October 2014. I e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Monaboyd.net Archive collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Monaboyd_Archive/profile).

"...You're lost."

"I most certainly am not."

"You're VERY lost."

"Not at all."

"Liar."

"Nag."

Billy glares at Dom in the review mirror and says flatly, "We are not lost."

"If you say so," Dom replies in a tone that says quite flatly 'you're a liar, but I'll let you have your lie because I'm so nice like that' and folds his arms across his chest. He stares out the window and watches the scenery fly by and hums under his breath because he knows it will annoy Billy. And annoying Billy is something that Dom is good at.

"Would you stop that?"

Dom pauses mid-hum to ask, "stop what?" and continues humming, his face falling into lines of careful innocence.

"Stop humming."

"If you insist."

"I'm insisting."

"Fine. Have it your way." Pause, beat, mutter. "Liar." Dom catches a brief glance of the tight lines of Billy's face in the review mirror before turning back to his window. In the driver's seat, Billy's hands clench tightly around the steering wheel, knuckles turning white and his teeth grinding. He makes a desperate left turn and is sure he hears a snicker from the backseat.

"What was that, Dommie?" the nickname is spoken a moment too late, hit too hard, and the result is false and forced-sounding.

"Nothing, darling." Dom gives a simpering smile to the glaring face in the review mirror and punctuates it by making loud smacking, kissing noises with his lips. "MWAH! Kiss for you. Because you're such a darling. Darling."

"Shut up. Jerk-off."

Another loud smacking noise at the back of his head and Billy lets out an exasperated sigh. With an askance look towards the man in the backseat; he pulls off the road into a deserted parking lot. Dom smirks at him. "What's this? You've stopped the car."

"That's right. Because YOU'RE gonna drive now."

"Me? Drive?"

"Since you think can do it so much better than me, Mr-I'm-A-Big-Talker-As-Long-As-I'm-Safe-In-The-Fuckin-Backseat." Billy leans over the back of his seat and pokes Dom in the chest, adding, "a.k.a....Dominic Monaghan."

"Fuck you, Boyd."

"In your dreams, Monaghan." That said and done, Billy climbs over his seat and nearly somersaults into the back, landing with an 'oof' and a thud, flat on his back, partially on the seat and partially on Dom's lap.

"Are you sure it's not in YOURS?" Dom gives a flirtatious batting of the eyes for Billy, a teasing smile pulling at his lips as he looks down at Billy's head, resting comfortably on his lap.

Billy snorts at that, clumsily pulling himself up to a sitting position, off of Dom's lap. "Nightmares, more likely."

"You know you want me." Dom grins at Billy as he clambers into the front seat, wiggling his ass in the air for additional emphasis. "You can't resist my sexy hot-ass self."

"Just shut up and drive," Billy orders, shifting into the seat by the window Dom vacated and clasping his seat belt firmly into place.

"Not denying? I knew it." Dom snickers softly as he pulls a map from beneath the driver's seat and consults it. "Billy, you fuckin' idiot. You took the wrong sodding exit. FOUR wrong sodding exits. How thick can you get?" He sighs and launches the map at Billy. It hits Billy in the face and he looks up and calls Dom a bitch before complaining about America being the source of all evil, its dark terrible roots starting in its traffic system. Dom rolls his eyes, fastens his seat belt, turns the key in the ignition. "Whatever. You just can't read a freakin' map."

"I can too. Just not American ones."

"Right." Dom rolls his eyes, turns back onto the road, and begins the long, tedious backtracking of four exits while Billy sulks in the backseat, watching the scenery flash by.

\---

Dom is just beginning to enjoy the silence when Billy opens his mouth. "Can you open the windows? It's roasting in here."

Silently, Dom presses at some buttons, first turning on the windshield wipers, then the heater, and then finally, opens the front windows. "Rental cars," Dom mutters, feeling embarrassed for some stupid reason.

"Yeah," Billy replies vaguely and stares out the window, silent again. Now he's fed up with the silence. Dom grits his teeth, annoyed by his annoyance with the silence and annoyed with Billy's lack of conversation. He reaches over to the radio, punches at some buttons. The whirring sound of a disc being read is heard and then the sound of guitars and drums fill the car. Billy doesn't complain about the music and Dom feels strangely distanced, as though some sort of barrier has suddenly sprung up between them.

Dom thinks about this, as he drives and the CD plays on and Billy remains silent. Dom almost regrets irritating Billy before, but not really, not enough to apologize. Only enough to be annoyed with himself and think, nice one, Monaghan. Now you're stuck with Oscar the fuckin' grouch for the next two weeks. Dom sighs and for sheer meanness, rolls up the windows. Fuck it, if he's going to be pissy and unhappy, so is Billy.

Billy kicks at the back of Dom's seat. "Why'd you go and do that?"

"I couldn't hear the music over the wind," Dom says flatly and bangs the heel of his hand against the wheel at an innocent driver. The driver glares at him as he passes her car and Dom is flicked off by a ten year-old in the back seat. He returns the gesture with a sticking-out tongue for good measure and Billy sighs, rolls his eyes. "Shut up Bill."

"I didn't say a word."

"You were going to."

"No I wasn't."

"Yes you were."

"No."

"Yes."

"You're not a bloody psychic, so stop playing at it and drive the goddamn car." Billy slouches down in his seat and folds his arms across his chest. He sulks and in the front seat, Dom swears under his breath and hits the brakes violently in an attempt to slow down before a police officer on the side of the road sees him. No such luck and fifteen minutes later, Dominic is kicking the tire, holding a ticket, and telling Billy it's all his goddamn fault.

Billy unrolls his window and scowls at Dom as Dom moves from kicking the front left tire to the back one. "It is NOT my goddamn fault you got the ticket, it's your own, you stupid minger."

"It is NOT! If you hadn't been whining and carrying on in the back-,"

"I wouldn't HAVE been 'whining and carrying on' if YOU hadn't rolled the windows back up and put on that God-awful mu-,"

"*I* wouldn't have had to roll the windows up again and put on that FANTASTIC music, you narrow-minded pig, if YOU hadn't been sulking like a bloody TWO year old in the back and being unresp-,"

"You know what? FUCK YOU DOMINIC!"

"And fuck YOU back, William f'ing Boyd!"

Billy gives Dom a horrific glare and closes the window. He reaches forward, locks the all the doors and sits back in his seat with his arms folded across his chest and staring straight ahead. Dominic lets loose with a stream of swearing, ending with violent banging on the windows and doors and, "Damn it, let me in! Unlock the door!"

Billy climbs into the front seat, turns the key in the ignition. Dom's face pales as he hears the engine. "Fuck no. You wouldn't...” Billy turns off the CD player, turns on the radio instead and searches for a station. Dom's heart begins beating again and the color begins to return to his face. Billy was only putting the radio on...Billy buckles his seat belt. "BILLY! Don't you DARE!"

Billy looks out the window, his face unemotional as he raises his middle finger to Dom. Dom gives him his best look of repentance, "Billy, I-,"

Billy drives.

\---

Dom is left standing on the side of a road, in a foreign country, with no money, no credit card, no phone, nothing but a speeding ticket and the horror of losing both his best friend and his transportation. "Shit," he whispers, gazing disbelievingly in the direction Billy drove off in. "Shit," he whispers again, barely able to comprehend. He stands still for a minute, not speaking, barely breathing, his heart pounding wildly. He cannot believe that Billy drove off and left him on the side of the road. No matter how angry Billy gets, Dom never believed him to do something so...so...something so *vicious*. Billy is not a vicious man.

Or so that is what Dom had thought but nice, not-vicious people do not leave their best friend stranded on the side of a road, no matter how terrible the fight was.

It wasn't that bad, was it? Dom wonders, slowly, achingly sitting down. The grass is scratchy against his skin and the smell of exhaust is almost over-powering. The sun beats warmly down on Dominic's hair and back, and the sight of car after car speeding by gives Dom a headache. With a groan, he lies back and closes his eyes. No, the fight wasn't that bad, he tells himself.

But a not-that-bad fight shouldn't have caused Billy to drive off.

Dom groans, throws an arm over his eyes and tells himself that he is a horrible person.

Only a horrible person would purposely pester and bother and annoy and piss off their best friend out of boredom and their own irritability. Only a horrible person would put on music someone else hated and close the same windows they were asked to open moments before. Only a horrible person would deserve to be left on the side of a road.

Dom lets out a little whimper and swallows harshly. His throat is dry, slightly scratchy, a bad taste growing in his mouth. He's thirsty. Oh God. He is going to die of thirst on this god-forsaken road. He is going to die and is all going to be Billy's fault.

Dom hopes Billy will be remorseful enough to shed a tear over his shriveled, dehydrated body.

Dom swallows again nervously. How long can a person survive without water? In this heat? A few weeks, right? No, that's food. Only two days or some miserably small amount like that. These are Dom's last two days on this earth. He should do something really remarkable, like adopt a highway or some malnourished child in Ecuador or give all his money to charities or write a poem or novel that will make him famous posthumously...

...he's fuckin' cracked. He's on the side of a bloody ROAD. There are CARS on a road, Dom could hitch a ride! He's not doomed after all! Thrilled, Dom bounces back to his feet and inches closer to the side of the road. He puts on his best movie-star smile and thrusts a jaunty thumb out. This isn't so bad, in about ten minutes he'll be headed to the nearest town where he can phone someone for help and then phone Billy and either chew him out or beg forgiveness.

Dom decides he'll beg forgiveness, arrange a meeting with Billy, show up ten minutes late to the rendezvous with a rifle and shoot the bastard. Twice.

Dom grins at the thought and gives his thumb a shake, just in case the movement catches someone's eye. It doesn't. And continues to not catch someone's eye as car after car race by him and the daylight slowly grows dimmer.

Dom's heart sinks. Fool. No one picks up hitchhikers any more, they're too busy yakking on their cell phones to pay attention to a hitchhiker or too concerned about safety to give a stranger a ride. It's going to be too dark soon, too dark too soon for Dom to start walking to a town. Dejected, depressed, and deeply unhappy, Dom sits down on the side of the road again and begins to mourn for the days when people didn't lock their door and still picked up hitchhikers, days he's heard of but never known. The good old days, he sighs to himself at though he were more than twice his age and longs, a bit melodramatically, for a pipe to give a good puff on while he's feeling nostalgic.

Dom's spirits perk up slightly as he hears a car slow. He doesn't dare too look up until the car is stopped and someone's getting out. Smiling widely with relief, he scrambles to his feet, brushing the dirt and grass off his jeans and says, "Christ, I'm glad you stopped, I was starting to get worried, what with the sun setting and-," he looks up and sees Billy standing next to the car, a pair of sunglasses perched on his nose, not letting Dom get a good look at his face. "Oh." Dom stops where he is, still a few feet from the car, his hands dangling awkwardly at his sides and an embarrassed silence emitting from him.

To his surprise, Billy steps forward and says, "I thought you'd left already, that you'd gotten a ride or had walked to a town or something, Jesus, I felt like such an arse heading back here."

"Oh. Well. I didn't. I'm still here." Dom tries to smile, but realizes his lips won't quite work and gives up on the attempt.

"Yeah. I know." Billy smiles suddenly and he pushes his sunglasses off his face and closes the remaining distance between them to throw an arm around Dom's shoulders and pull him close. He smacks a quick kiss to Dom's cheek before letting him go. "You didn't think I'd leave you here forever, did you?"

"Kind of."

"Oh. Well I wasn't planning on it." Billy squints in the fading sunlight at him. "I would've been here sooner, but I got a ticket for pulling an illegal U-turn."

"Nice one."

"I know."

They look at each other and suddenly, both faces crease into smiles, and Dom finds himself leaning against Billy for support as they both laugh, loudly and hysterically. Billy's body convulses and he shakes with silent laughter while Dom laughs in sporadic fits, pausing for deep breaths of air in between each fit of laughter. "God, we're such idiots," Dom wheezes out, his arms wrapping around Billy's neck and buries his face in Billy's shoulder. "Such idiots."

Billy's body slowly stops shaking, and he returns Dom's hug, his hands stroking soothing lines down Dom's back. "God, I'm sorry Dom. I didn't mean to drive off and leave you so long, I just meant to give you a scare, but Christ, I was so angry and then there was the ticket, and-,"

"I know. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have acted like such bitch." Dom sighs and is rewarded by a tightening of Billy's arms around him. He breathes in the scent of Billy and is pleased by it, without any notion as to why.

"Mmm. Well. It's getting late."

"Yeah." Dom slowly, regretfully drags himself away from Billy.

"D'you want to stop for the night or keep driving?"

"Stop. Please. I need a shower." Dom tugs at his shirt and grimaces at the feel of the fabric unsticking itself from his sweaty skin. "I'm disgusting."

"I didn't want to say anything, but since you mentioned it...” Dom's face is shocked and Billy grins good-naturedly at him, ducking at the blow Dom aims at him. "You want to drive?"

"Yes. Give me the keys." Dom holds his hand out and Billy drops them into his palm. Dom makes a little snorting noise at Billy and marches self-righteously around to the driver's side of the car. Billy grins, and opens the door, diving into the passenger seat before Dom even has his door open. "Bill?"

"Just in case," Billy says and gives Dom an embarrassed little smile.

Dom laughs and slides the key into the ignition. "Very smart of you, Boyd."

"Yeah, well, no one ever said I was a complete dumb ass."

"At least not to your face, you mean."

"Prat. Shut up and drive."

"Yes *sir*!" Dom salutes Billy and pulls back onto the road. Billy puts on a burned CD of a mix Dom helped him compile and Dom is driving again, driving into the night and singing with his best friend along to music they can agree on and the windows down.

END?

**Author's Note:**

> AN: I've never been sure if I want to go back to this fic or not. It stands well by itself but...*frets* I always wanted to flesh out the plot a bit more.


End file.
